Why you don't want to go shopping with me!

Okay, full disclosure—I'm a guy.

Now that I got that out of the way, I'll tell you why you don't want to go shopping with me. Actually, an example might be even better.

The other day I went shopping to Kohl's. Kohl's is the perfect guy store because they have all these discount racks, where guys can buy at really cheap prices shirts that are too big, colors that are too garish and pants that even golfers would be embarrassed to wear. But on a Saturday a couple of weeks ago I was shopping for shoes (and there is no discount rack for shoes).

I know all about shoes, as my neighbor is a podiatrist. So I know you need a thumbnail's amount of room at the toe, that the shoe's dome should be big enough so that the toes can move freely, that the foot shouldn't touch on the sides. Yeah, I'm a veritable Dr. Scholls.

So I found a pair of shoes I liked. As a bonus, a really nice twenty-something female sales associate was there to help. I had already done all the self testing described above, but it was good to get a second opinion and the nice clerk obliged, confirming that this pair of shoes was a perfect fit.

So the next step was on to test the shoes around Kohl's store. (Buying shoes is the ultimate in a tricky purchase. Shoes are designed by their manufacturers to fit perfectly in the store but then change shape on the drive home and pinch your feet once you've worn the shoes on asphalt and scuffed them up—ie. when you can't return them anymore.) And boy, am I glad I did the tour around the store because I felt slight pinching somewhere. At first I thought it was in the toes on the right shoe, but by the time I got back to the shoe department, I felt the heel was slipping on the left shoe.

With such terrifying reservations, it was clear I needed to find a different pair.

I did. I was excited and by now I really wanted to get out of there too. I enjoy Kohl's but it was a Saturday, after all, and I had things to do. So I chop-chop ran through my self testing of the shoes and determined them to be another stellar fit. I told myself I should just buy them and get the heck out of there, but the nice clerk that helped me before was still there and it wouldn't hurt to have her—real quick—check them.

She seemed surprised to see me, as I'd already been there an hour and a half, but she dutifully confirmed that indeed the shoes were a 100% foolproof failsafe perfect fit. I was thrilled! But still the floor test awaited.

So off I went walking through Kohl's again. I was getting familiar with the store layout by now and was a little embarrassed to be walking through the lingerie section so regularly, but it was part of the path around the whole store and what was I going to do—backtrack? So round and round and round I went. This pair of shoes was a real hands-down winner. But maybe one last trip around the store would discover a latent flaw.

I was getting really tired. I'd been there over three hours, and I just decided to buy the darn shoes. I went back to the shoe section to get the box and get out of there. As fate would have it, the same clerk was there (I hadn't seen her on my rounds in a while—I think she must have gone to lunch or something) and when she saw me, her face flushed and she said, "Are you still here?!"

I was like, "Well, yeah, you see, I'm kind of mentally ill actually."

(I didn't really say that.) No, I just smiled, thanked her for her help and ran out of there as fast as I could.

And that is why you don't want to go shopping with me.