Why Clothes Are Dangerous

Ever since the fig leaf (and I imagine even they had problems back then too--like what if fire ants were on the fig leaf?) there have been problems with clothing being dangerous.

I was driving last night, and it was pitch black, and at a stop light this guy was crossing against the light. He was wearing dark slacks and a dark jacket. I swear I didn't see him until the last second. I easily could've hit him. So...

And what about women's shoes? Some of them are basically lethal weapons. You get your foot stepped on with some of those and you've got a hole in your foot and you bleed out.

So...

But then there's guy-specific clothing like cowboy hats. I'm from Chicago, but when a friend of mine went to college in Kirksville, Missouri, I visited. Well, it was a whole different world down there. Pickup trucks with rifles in the back window racks. People with guns everywhere. And tattoos and cowboy hats. Well, I wasn't buying a gun or getting a tattoo, but a cowboy hat? 

I took the plunge. And I was in for a rude awakening. For starters I was amazed at how big it was. When I drove home and got out of my car, it caught on the roof and fell off. I (well, the cowboy hat did) bumped into so many doors, walls and windows. I really felt like I'd lost the ability to navigate around normally. It was embarrassing. And like you really need to accessorize the rest of your outfit around the cowboy hat. Like cowboy hat + Bermuda shorts = no bueno. If you're going to wear a cowboy hat you really should wear chaps (whatever those are) and drive a pickup truck. And like it's so easy to wear a baseball cap backwards, well, with a cowboy hat, that won't be happening. 

So...

 And there are special dangers about clothing that are Covid related. Like I saw a car pull up to a convenience store, and two girls jumped out with bandanas over their faces like they were Jesse James reincarnations. I'm telling you a lot of these mask wearers look like criminals. I mean, how are the cops supposed to tell the good guys from the bad guys? 

So...

 

 

Okay, maybe that's a little extreme, but he definitely wouldn't be taken for a criminal. 

And let's not forget about the danger of wearing loose clothing around machinery. Your car's running a little hot, so you pop the hood and act like you know what you're doing, but then before you know it, your scarf is sucked into the engine and you are ground to little pieces. 

Heck, even long hair can be dangerous. My dad had this massager for his arthritis. Kind of like this thing this guy is using on his bicep.

Anyway, I told my girlfriend about it (I apologize if you're reading this) and made her lay face-down on the couch. Then I massaged her back with the thing. She was just loving it, moaning with pleasure. Gradually, I moved the massager up to the back of her neck. More delighted moans. Until...until her hair got caught in the massager's motor! She was like, "Aah!" She went from pure pleasure to intense pain in a heartbeat. (Kind of like when you wake up in the morning and you're lying there in bed all comfy and you get a charley horse.)

So...

And I'm sure you have clothes horror stories of your own. Just leave them in the comments section--and be careful what you wear!

You are loved!

Life can be scary.

It can seem overwhelming.

Sometimes the world seems like it's spiraling out of control.

And you feel so alone.

It feels like one more step could lead to disaster.

But then you notice something.

And realize there's still hope.

That you have friends.

That people will help you.

And that no matter what happens.

There will still be love in the world.

Keep your chin up! Together, we'll get through this!

Why you don't want to watch a movie with me

I know I should be writing positive, engaging things, but come on, positive, engaging things are rarely interesting. So here is why you don't want to watch a movie with me.

My attorney-friend Danny came over to watch a movie one Sunday night. Danny's an up-and-comer, married, two kids, a soon-to-be legal star cutting his teeth at a downtown law firm. I was surprised he showed up when he said he would because he's one of those maniacally busy types and also because it's maniacally hard finding a parking spot in my crowded Rogers Park neighborhood. But yeah, he was here and it was all good, right? At least it started out that way. But by the time the night was over, the whole thing was so traumatic I can't even remember the movie. But it was like most American movies guys watch together (violent).

So we got our beverages and finally settled in. The movie started, and I skipped through the coming attractions. Yeah, it was all good. Then just as the movie proper began in earnest the phone rang.

It was only set to ring three times before voicemail got it, so I let it ring. But Danny said, "Aren't you going to get that?"

I'm one of those people that when I watch a movie I watch a movie, so I said, "Nah, voicemail will." I even put the phone out in the hallway on the ironing board.

So the movie was rolling. Shootings, drugs, profanity—we were enjoying it. Then the phone rang again. (I should've put it out of earshot.) Now Danny said, "Aren't you going to get it this time?" I somewhat politely told him to just watch the damn movie.

He bristled at that for a moment, but then got back into the mayhem on the screen.

Well, you guessed it. The phone rang again. Danny was like, "You better get that. I forgot my phone at home. It could be my wife. It could be something important. An emergency."

"Your wife can live without you for as long as it takes to watch a movie, Danny," I scolded.

"But..."

The phone rang a few more times as we watched, and Danny still bristled, but he also realized my will was too strong for him.

The movie ended, and I felt bad for Danny because I could see he was uptight. I resolved there and then that next time we watched a movie together I would put my phone on silent. Danny left in a silent hush, and I went for another beer and to see if the pesty caller had left a voicemail.

Oh my.

"Gregg, it's Danny's wife Sharon. It's an emergency. The police called. Danny's car is blocking somebody's driveway, and if he doesn't run down there and move it, they're towing it."

Double oh my.

Each succeeding message was more desperate. 

Understandably, after a few minutes there was a knock on the door.

There stood Danny, his face utterly drained of color. "I can't find my car."

Perhaps pathologically a prankster, I asked, "Well, where did you leave it?"

"I thought down the street, but it wasn't there. Then I walked all around the block. It's not anywhere."

I couldn't torture him any longer. I told him about the messages.

So that's bad enough, right? But there's more.

Danny had legal briefs in his car, and the car was towed to the police pound, and no one would be there till Monday morning.

So for sure that's bad enough, right? But there's more.

Danny needed those briefs to argue a case before the Illinois Supreme Court in the morning.

Yeah, that's as bad as it gets. And that's why you don't want to watch a movie with me.